I believe it is not a sin to admit that
you are not alright. There are those days when you’re being shoved into the
corner of those frustrations you try to keep away from, most days. There are
just days that you feel so tired of ignoring those things and start feeling
really bad about it. It’s as if it just builds up and when you cant handle it
anymore, you find yourself lying on the floor with all those crap over you and
you cant just manage to get up. The feeling is awful, you feel so helpless,
unwanted, and all the possible negative feelings in the world your mind could
think of.
Today is exceptionally crazy, I wont
say Im crazy, because I am not. But I have the tendency to be depressed and I
may have some unresolved issues that causes me to just break down – that I wont
deny. The cure however is no longer resolving the issues (because I guess they
have been resolved, but I wasn’t there when they were resolved, yeah sometimes
things doesn’t make enough sense), but finding a strategy to get through those
days when a trigger is pulled.
I am fixing my room and somewhat
turning it into an office for a new carrier path. I had to "overhaul" the room
and yes, 2 days ago I ended up sitting in the middle of a mess. I slowly began to wrap
things, place them in little boxes, open boxes just to place them in yet another
box. Then I grabbed hold of a brown shoe box and found a flight itinerary and a boarding
pass – that was the trigger! What was it you ask? Only those who really knew me
would understand this; but it was a one way ticket from Dammam Airport to MNL,
handwritten on top of the ticket were Arabic characters that I swear I
understood what they meant, but my, I could still hear his voice, explaining to
me what was on the ticket, and what followed after, and how in split seconds I
called out a name and ran towards what I call salvation – pale-faced, hands and
knees shaking, heartbeats racing, and eyes that wanted to cry but they were too
dry to let a single tear drop and wash away the reign of terror deep within me.
I know I have been a better person than
I had been from last year. Even though that was a totally different scenario,
the trigger somehow put me in a place where everything that causes me pain and
fear and rejection starts to play like a youtube video in front of me.
I love God, I trust God, and you know,
I really, really am seeking and asking Him to cut through this phase and just
allow me to be happy for myself and for other people as well. I know He
comforts, but this time, I just want this to be taken away like immediately.
But I’m reminded of a scene in the Garden, He who had been purged in pain asked
if the cup could be taken away from Him, but still remained to His resolve,
that His Father’s will be done. I pray I could say that too, and really taking
to heart that there is a bigger purpose for this pain, and still trusting that
His ways are better than mine, and that His plans are to prosper me and not to
harm me.
I don't know how to end this, but I hope to find myself tucked so securely under the shadow of His wings .
This is a very unconventional thing to
be written in the blog, but for those who have read it, I hope to write to you
again, with a lighter countenance, and with something that you could benefit
from.
love lots,
June
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