Hi I am Jessica, June's friend, and Jake's Girl<space>friend. I intended to put the space so as not to be misinterpreted. You know June, but who am I and Jake?
I am not going to write a whole biography of myself and of our lives here, but I want to let all of you know something very important that we tend to overlook everyday, in our search for the true meaning of LOVE and of loving someone.
Take note of how I labeled myself in relation to Jake in the beginning. He might or might not know about this, but here's a little secret, I love him. Yes, I do. I may not have the guts to tell him that because I'm a girl, or because I think he's too insensitive to notice, thus I've kept my silence. It's not like having a secret crush on someone so random; we actually share a lot of things in common, I am one of his bestfriends and we exchange stories, stuffs, and moments. We've gone through quite a lot already actually but I need not write them in details here because that isn't my main point. I just want to make a solid reference on what I am about to share with you (or the opposite of it) about loving.
As a Christian, I haven't been perfect, and oftentimes I wonder if my life would be something God will be proud of in the end. Although not until these past few months when I started to get a little bit deeper in the ministry. About Jake, of course I love him still, but as Naomi instructed Ruth in Ruth 3, "Wait, my daughter, until you find out what happens. For the man will not rest until the matter is settled today." I sort of vowed to let God handle it all for me. And so as I wait, I allowed myself to get busy with His business and with the opportunities that He is allowing me to have.
But then there are days that are really difficult. My faith seems to be nowhere to be found anywhere inside me, no matter how I pray, no matter how long I read, no matter how busy I let myself be, everything just seems to be an infinity of waiting for something I am not sure if it ever existed. That's just faith dying. Why would it die? Why would something that went through a lot already, something that taught me so much already, just die?
Then, that still small voice inside me finally spoke up (or was finally audible). "Do you really love God?" Almost automatically, my response was "Yes! of course I do!", It didn't end there, a follow-up question came a few days after. "Do you love HIM enough?" I didn't answer. I can't answer. I was consumed with deep thirst and longing for the love that I so complacently took for granted, thinking I was already doing enough for God - but it dawned on me, I wasn't. No, don't think that God is requiring so much from me (from us) for it to be called love. But something bothered me so much that made me realized I should be doing more. A question (series of questions) ran through my head, touching my heart as I contemplate, "Am I excited to spend time with God as I am to even go out of my way to steal some time with Jake?" "Have I been so joyful to wrap myself and my obedience to Him than wrapping a present for Jake on holidays?" "Did I ever become depressed because I haven't read my Bible and hear from God like I would when Jake fails to communicate?"
It was endless, I broke out and cried bitterly, because I could never answer a confident "YES" to those questions, worst my answers were NO or SOMETIMES.
The problem isn't about faith, nor about God, not even Jake. It is me, I have God always, He placed that faith inside me so no one could steal it, and He even gave me Jake, but the problem with me is displacement. I have rearranged the order of things in my life to fit my standards and my routine, I have placed my faith in the wrong priorities. I forgot that it should always be about God first. That it should be "Shining our light so our good deeds will be seen" and not "bragging on our good deeds so we will shine." It is about loving God till we overflow with it so we could love others truly. It is about doing good to others just because you just want to bless them, and not because you'd want something in exchange.
It is all about waiting for God's answers, keeping the faith, heeding the Spirit's guidance, and fixing our eyes on Jesus. He knows our hearts and our desires, He hears our prayers, and in the appointed time, and when we are ready, He will always be faithful to show us what He had in stored for us.
"We can ask with the assurance that HE will answer -- though perhaps not according to our timetable." - Julie Ackerman Link (from odb.org)
- Love, Jessica
